Why Do Smart Men Do Such Stupid Things?
A story out of Cornell University caught my attention this week.
A female student has filed a lawsuit alleging that seven members of a fraternity drugged and sexually assaulted her at their fraternity house in October 2024.
The allegations are disturbing. They are also allegations.
The young men accused are entitled to defend themselves, and I don’t know enough to determine what happened that night. But the story raised two broader questions for me:
Why do intelligent, accomplished men sometimes do incredibly stupid—and sometimes terrible—things when it comes to women and sex?
And: When they do, why are we sometimes reluctant to hold them accountable?
Being Smart Isn’t the Same as Having Good Judgment
We tend to assume intelligence and good judgment travel together. They don’t necessarily.
Psychologists distinguish between intelligence—the ability to learn, reason and solve problems—and rational judgment, which involves making sound decisions and regulating our behavior.
A person can be extraordinarily talented academically and still exercise terrible judgment.
Being smart may help you understand calculus. It doesn’t guarantee empathy, character or respect for another person’s boundaries.
Alcohol Matters—but It Isn’t an Excuse
Alcohol frequently appears in research about sexual aggression.
It can impair judgment, weaken inhibitions and focus our attention on what’s immediately in front of us rather than longer-term consequences.
That may help explain behavior. But explanation and excuse are different things.
If I get drunk and drive my car into another vehicle, alcohol doesn’t absolve me of responsibility. Why should sexual misconduct be different?
Being drunk may help explain a terrible decision. It doesn’t transfer responsibility for that decision to someone else.
Then There’s the Group
Most of us behave differently in groups than we do alone. We look to people around us for clues about what’s acceptable. If everyone approves, something begins to seem acceptable. If nobody objects, we may assume nobody sees a problem.
A young man may go along because he thinks his friends approve. His friends may remain silent because they think everyone else approves.
And suddenly nobody asks: What would I think if this were happening to someone I love?
Imagine she’s your daughter. Your sister. Your girlfriend. Your granddaughter.
Would the behavior suddenly look different?
The more important question isn’t someone’s IQ.
It’s whether we see the woman in front of us as a human being deserving the same dignity and protection we would demand for someone we love.
Then Something Strange Happens
Suppose misconduct occurs.
Our attention sometimes begins to shift. Instead of asking what the man did, we start asking what the woman did.
She can drink too much. She can go to a fraternity party. She can flirt. A woman can make an unwise decision but that doesn’t give someone else permission to assault her.
“But This Could Ruin His Life”
A young man is found responsible for serious misconduct, and suddenly we hear about everything he stands to lose. His education. His career. His reputation. His future.
Those things matter. Due process matters. Evidence matters. False accusations can destroy lives too. No one should lose his freedom, education or reputation simply because an accusation has been made.
But once serious misconduct has been fairly established, consequences are not an unfortunate distraction from accountability. They are accountability.
What About Her Life?
If we’re going to ask what punishment might do to the perpetrator’s life, shouldn’t we also ask what the original act did to hers?
Maybe she has difficulty trusting people. Maybe relationships become harder. Maybe she struggles academically. Maybe the effects continue for years. The consequences will differ for every person.
There’s something backwards about spending more time worrying about the consequences imposed on someone found responsible than about the consequences experienced by the person who was harmed.
Does Privilege Change the Equation?
Would we react the same way if the accused young men were poor, unknown, poorly educated and unknown?
I’d like to think so. I’m not certain we always do. Privilege shouldn’t purchase a discount on accountability. The evidence should determine responsibility. The seriousness of the conduct should help determine the consequences. Status shouldn’t.
The punishment should fit what was proved. And there should be opportunities, where appropriate, for rehabilitation and redemption.
However, redemption generally begins with something much harder: Taking responsibility. Acknowledging what you did. Accepting the consequences. Trying to become a different person afterward.
Where Are the Other Men?
There’s one final piece I keep coming back to.
If something inappropriate is happening in a room full of men: Who says stop?
We spend a lot of time teaching young women how to protect themselves. Perhaps we’ve spent too little time asking young men: What are you supposed to do when another man crosses the line?
Being a good man isn’t simply refusing to participate. Sometimes it means being the guy willing to say: This stops now. It means: Taking action.
That takes something intelligence can’t provide. It takes character.
Maybe We’re Teaching the Wrong Lesson
We spend enormous amounts of time preparing young people to succeed. Maybe we need to teach our sons and grandsons something even more fundamental:
Respect the dignity of the person in front of you. If you cross that line, being smart, successful, wealthy or promising doesn’t exempt you from the consequences.
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Quote of the Day
“Character, however, is what you really are.”
— John Wooden
Intelligence, education, wealth and success may tell us something about a person’s abilities.
Character tells us something different—and perhaps more important—about what that person does when nobody is stopping him.
Orchid of the Day
Today’s Orchid goes to the person in the group who is willing to say, “Stop.”
It takes very little courage to go along with your friends. It takes considerably more to challenge them when you know something is wrong.
Sometimes being a good man isn’t simply refusing to participate. It’s being willing to protect someone else when everyone around you remains silent.
Onion of the Day
Today’s Onion goes to the argument: “But holding him accountable could ruin his future.”
Due process matters. Evidence matters. Punishment should fit what was actually proved. But when serious misconduct has been fairly established, a promising future shouldn’t purchase a discount on accountability.
Before worrying exclusively about what the consequences might do to his future, perhaps we should spend at least as much time considering what his actions did to hers future.
Question of the Day
Why are we sometimes more concerned about the consequences that accountability may have on the person who caused the harm than we are about the consequences experienced by the person who was harmed?
And would we feel differently if the woman involved were our daughter, granddaughter, sister or close friend?
Lyrics of the Day
Monday’s answer:
“Centerfield” — John Fogerty
Today’s lyric:
“You better think about what you’re trying to do to me.”
Name the song and the artist and put your answer in the comment section of the blog below.
Answer next time.
Video of the Day: